Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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