Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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