I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I can't put those talents on a resume
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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