I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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