just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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