All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
we made out on top of his cat.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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