im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
