Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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