I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
