didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
