Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
