So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Floor bacon is actually really good
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