I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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