I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
