I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
