Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
from now on my penis is your penis
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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