life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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