I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
