I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
