The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I would fuck him just for his dog
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize