oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
