You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
