I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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