u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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