'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Randomize
