she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
