Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
there was a trapeze. enough said
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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