Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
