The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I skipped work to stalk him.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
