We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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