I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
