He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
