I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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