I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
