Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
