yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
