I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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