Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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