she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
