Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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