the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
