Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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