Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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