So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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