you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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