I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
