still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm at about main and main street
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
