A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
