i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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