god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
They took my balls.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
