I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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