How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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