i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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