I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
