he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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