if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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