Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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