just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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