Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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