It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
