i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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